Disaster at Dinner
by risika-dragon
Summary: Set in Sinister's Universe, with Rissa's input. What happens when V3 must have 20 min. of dinner with V1. Misleadings and Animorph appearences. WATCH OUT!


Disclaimer: Don't own any of K A Applegate's or Sinister Shadow's characters, or the basis of how this Closet Fan Universe started.

I do own Sargimf and I, and that's good enough for me.

**Summary**: Set in the Sinister Shadow Universe, after Purgatory Bust and right before Book Number 20. Visser three and Visser One discuss plans at a Mexican place, but underlings and Animorphs ruin it. The usual.

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**Disaster at Dinner**

I think I'm insane. I really, really do. It was supposed to be a damn dinner with a few of the Councilors and--it's not what you think--Visser One. Turns out the humans were going to have a conference about problems in the Middle East--this would make a great pun involving the old "they're up there you moron" phrase. You know, instead of us being in some sandy, smelly country, we're _up _in space… Oh, just forget it! The meeting would involve six of the world's most powerful leaders, including the president of the United States--hopefully you can understand _why_ humans are stupid with _him_ in the office.

Anyways, it would be interesting discussing plans with the most powerful Yeerks--well, except the Emperor, but I heard he was busy impersonating the lead singer of Green Day. Maybe we Yeerks and humans aren't so different… Ahem, I was in a room--I won't describe it like a stupid Andalite--with Councilor Two when…

(Hell no,) I said.

"Oh, come on Visser Three," Councilor Two coaxed like some parent to a impudent child. "I understand that Edry and you don't get along well--"

(Edry?) I drawled.

"Let's skip my relationship business for a moment, shall we?" he asked. "You and Visser One are the only two Yeerks with any true responsibility over our bases on Earth." Excuse me, what was she doing exactly? "Of course, you will have to wait some twenty minutes or so since another meeting was planned for us Councilors."

I was basically vibrating with rage. (Wun-deeer-fil. I get to spend some quality time with my least favorite Yeerk.)

"Since when do you have ANY favorites?" he challenged. "More than you can count on one hand."

(Good point,) I said. (Where do we meet?)

"That new Mexican place a few streets away from the original Sharing settlement," he said. "Be there Friday, okay? At seven o'clock." All we really did from there was argue about whether I could strap Visser One to the ceiling or glue her to a toilet. He sighed. "Okay, maybe I'll throw in a promotion for both of you if things turn out good."

In that case…

I was trotting down the hall afterwards, with this freakishly pink carpet that only Ellie--and probably Councilor Three--would like. You could say I wasn't _happy_… (That damn son of a bitch! Does he think I'm insane like that dragon girl?)

"Hey! I resent that!" Rissa piped up from her hiding place--which so happened to be behind and underneath me. She brushed dirt off her black jeans and smiled eerily at me. "So, you and Visser One get twenty minutes alone, huh?"

(You know Toad the only reason I don't throw you out of a window is the fact that you would probably like it too much!) I snarled. I went over to her and placed my blade casually near her throat. (Listen up! Don't you dare breathe a word about this okay? I don't need Iniss or Ellie or even your cross species boyfriend to know about this!)

"You know, even if you killed me, I'd just go to Purgatory again. I'd probably drag you along too," Rissa mumbled. "It's cool. I won't say a word. If you want to lock lips for some minutes with Edriss, that's fine by me."

(We're just going to discuss some business concerning a few of _your _species' leaders!) I withdrew my blade from her neck. (It isn't some kind of make out session. We are just going to get some tacos and talk about government. Got it?)

"T-t-tacos?" Rissa's eyes glowed dangerously and her mouth watered. "As in, the all-powerful, wonderful, super taco? Can I come? Pleasey please? I _am_ your secretary. I could take notes. Can you take me? Please, please?" She started pulling the ends of her shirt up. "I will, I will, just a taste of cheesy cheese and meaty meat!"

(You are so completely immature!) I groaned and walked away, but Rissa hopped after me. (Just--and for once, _act _like a fricking underling--don't say anything. Everyone else will get the wrong idea, as usual.)

"I won't say a word," Rissa said, skipping beside me and I backed to the side, in case she tried to pull me into another dance scenario again. "Nada, zip. I will be a good quiet little dragon and not say anything."

(Good.)

"I won't say anything. Nope not a thing. Not a word will go past my lips on this subject."

(That's a good vampire dragon.)

"Nope. Nothing. I'll be quieter than my government on the truth."

(That's fine…I think.)

"My tongue will not wag like a dog's tail. I will be as silent as a hibernating bear!" she exclaimed. "As deathly quiet as, well, erm, the dead."

(If only that were true.)

"They can torture me with daggers and fires and jaggers and misfit desires, but I…"

**(Rissa shut up or I'm giving you up to the Andalite Adopt-A-Pet agency!)** I shouted. If only such a thing were true… Give all those morons up…

"Okay. Hey, where are the others anyway? I mean, Iniss's usually spying on Visser One or sifting through her panties."

(I saw Iniss getting Draconed by her last time he did that,) I said while trying to ignore some stares directed at us in the hallway of the Yeerk homeworld hotel. (Eh, Rissa, why do you have to do that?)

Rissa was twirling around and dancing again, humming a very familiar tune. "Knock about clowns, quick change comedians, tight rope walkers and acrobats…" She grinned and spun around me. "I just feel happy, that's all." A couple of Hork-Bajir walked past us. "Hi there! Hey! Hello!" She didn't seem to notice the DARK glares pinpointed at both of us.

(Rissa shut up and stop prancing like the arsonist dancer you are,) I grumbled through his teeth. (What the heck has gotten into you? On second thought, don't tell me. I'm happier not knowing!)

"I'm just being friendly," Rissa said, waving at the reptilian hosts. "Since you and Visser One are willing to not kill each other in private. Maybe we should all get along. Like with the Bandits."

(What did you do today?)

"Yeah I can see it now," Rissa mused. "Singing and dancing with the Andalite brigade. Hanging out on that grassy, pastel planet of theirs. Maybe you and Edriss will sneak away and..."

I decided to stop her before she dived into any more insanity. (What happened?)

"Me and Sargimf drew the Andalite flag all over Councilor Eight's door again. And TP-ed his ship. Oooh, so much fun."

(Again?) I groaned as we FINALLY reached my door. I opened it and peered into the kitchen. (Where are they?) I had the vaguest HOPE that the Council had at last taken my demand seriously to recruit new underlings…

CRASH!

Or not…

"FOUND THEM!" Rissa called oh-so-helpfully from the living room.

(Are they getting high on oats again?) I asked.

"Nope, they're doing Shakespeare again. Romeo and Juliet I take it," Rissa stated.

(Don't get smart with me Risika. I…) Lance looked out the window. (I don't believe it…They really are doing Shakespeare.)

"Told ya so, Mr. Know-It-All," Rissa muttered and blew a raspberry. We walked into the living room.

Ellie, Sargimf, and Iniss had set the living room up so that the table and someone's bed--guess who was _soooo_ lucky--in the middle of the floor. All three were wearing tights and freakishly outdated clothes. YES, even the damn Hork-Bajir. Iniss and Sargimf were circling each other, clashing fake sword against very real blades.

"I biteth my thumb at you, Sir Iniss, follower of thou Romeo, betrayer to the beautiful Juliet!" Sargimf roared, swinging his arm blades. "Taketh that, and that!"

"AHH!" Iniss cried. "Watch the blades. WATCH! You almost taketh my headeth frometh my shoulders, Sir Sargimf."

(Okay.) I shook his head. (There have been a lot of weird things going on with you guys. But this is the weirdest. This even tops the cow!)

"Cow?" Sargimf asked.

"Before you, like, got here," Ellie explained. "Like, before Rissa even was here. It's, like, a long story."

"Hey! Crepes!" Rissa snagged a thin pancake filled with cheese off a plate beside the table and stuffed her face. "Yum. Hey, aren't these French, not Italian?"

"Like, mind your manners!" Ellie scolded her. "And we're being multi-cultural, like, duh."

(You guys cut out on work to play in frills and leotards?) I asked.

"Why noteth?" Iniss asked. "It tis such a loovely dayeth, iz it noteth?"

(You're inside and it's raining out there,) I mumbled.

"Who careth noteth?" Sargimf asked. "Passeth the crepes will you Sir Iniss?"

I couldn't HELP but walk to a wall and start banging my forehead against it. Luckily I have a thick skull and there wouldn't be any damage…oh, shut up Alloran, will you? (That's it! I'm insane and I've known it all along.)

"Indeedeth you haveth," Sargimf commented.

(Shut up and play your stupid gameth,) I spat.

"I know a good game!" Rissa spoke up. "Charades!"

"Ooh! I, like, wanna playeth thateth!" Ellie said.

(NO WONDER EDRISS NEEDS PILLS!) I howled.

"I'll go first!" Rissa got up and started motioning the words.

"Okay eight words!" Sargimf said. "First word…sound like…eyes?"

"No…look?" Ellie guessed.

"No see!" Pietro said. "That's it! Sounds like see!"

"Flee?" Sargimf guessed. "Pee?"

(I'm more unstable than they are, for Akdor's sake!) I groaned. (I'm talking to myself. That IS the first stage of insanity.)

"V!" Ellie shouted. "Yes! It's, like, the letter V!"

"Second word," Sargimf interpreted. He counted her fingers. "Three! Now, um, little word. And!"

"V Three and…" Iniss began. "Oooh I know this one …V Won!"

"No Lecher!" Ellie told him. "Like, V One! It's so like, V Three and V One!"

(I am psycho. Nuttier than a can of almonds and peanuts. I can't believe I live with these…hold on…) I stopped slamming my face into plaster to notice where Rissa was going with this. She had ONE word yet to act out.

"V Three and V One have a…" Sargimf, Ellie, and Iniss said at the same time. I looked in horror as Rissa went onto the bed and started making very, very WRONG motions that involved guttural noises and lip smacking.

"DATE!" They all shouted at once. "V THREE AND V ONE HAVE A DATE!"

**(I'm going to slay you, you worthless dragon!)** I shouted and started chasing Rissa all over the room, readying my tail blade to smack her silly. The others nearly fell off their chairs laughing. Well actually, Iniss did fall off his chair laughing. (**You knew that they'd think of it the wrong way!)**

"I told you I wouldn't say it!" Rissa laughed as she hid behind Sargimf's bulk, sticking her little, pink tongue at me. "But I didn't say anything about acting it out!"

(Come over here and die like a Yeerk you certain person with a not-so-Yeerkish secret!) I raced around Sargimf, but Rissa only climbed onto his back. The Hork-Bajir--being the stupid cross species lover he was--protected his mate from harm. (ARRRGGGHHH! Go back to Purgatory, you topless dragon witch!) I stomped off to my room, leaving the retards to parley behind my back.

"Does that mean we're not invited to the wedding?" Sargimf quipped as I slammed my door shut. "You can have it after Rissa's and mine, oh wonderful leader!"

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The day of Hell on Earth finally came, where I had to sit WITH Visser One for TWENTY minutes of my cherished time. Blech. Why couldn't they have sent Visser Two or Four? I swear, powers above do this just to torment me. I haven't forgotten you Aldrea, or that demon in Purgatory!

"At least there aren't any cockroaches running around…besides you." Well, if Visser One could make the best of it, so could I.

"And the only barking Chihuahua I see is the bitch by _me_," I shot back.

The place had been cleared of all nonhosted humans, so only human-Controllers and Hork-Bajir were here. I had chosen my own human morph, Richie. The place was decorated with Spanish designs and was playing strangely interesting accented music. Mirrors gave a weird sense of vertigo all over, kinda nauseating.

But after a few brief welcome statements to each other, we got on track and yapped about the plans of infiltrating the meeting of the leaders. Well, Visser One said she wouldn't be able to participate due to circumstances out of her control--lip waxing I'm guessing. I'd have to morph the dude mapping out the ceremony and probably have to morph the president as well. Don't think I wouldn't mind having this dumb planet oozing between my fingertips, it's just… C'mon! Stuck playing the role of a guy who can't say "terror". I didn't want a speech where I said, "We're ta fioght da ter' hair en Amaireecah!" Brrr…

But the conversation had actually started to roll along when I happened to glimpse at one of the mirrors, reflecting a certain group I DID NOT need to see right now. "Hey, I'm gonna get some napkins." Which was a stupid excuse.

I went to a table in the back of the room, snarling, "Alright, all four of you, what's the big idea? I could actually get a promotion for this and _you're_ here?"

Sargimf smiled innocently at me with his beaky mouth. He had on yet another COSTUME that might have passed for a tux if the sleeves and legs and butt hadn't been shredded by blades and tail. He even wore a magician's hat on his head. Did this guy have ANY pride or self-respect WHAT-SO-EVER? He said, "Why whatever do you mean my good man? Do you know what he's talking about Lovey?"

Rissa smiled. She was wearing sunglasses, a hat and a low back, sleeveless, black dress. "Why no Samuel-san, I don't. We're the Shervilles. Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Shervilles, the Fourth, if it needeth known to you."

"Why does this happen to me?" I asked no one. "Will you two stop playing make-believe for a minute and answer me! And what about you two?" I glared at Ellie wearing a leather outfit, with too much hairspray and Iniss in blue jeans, a white shirt, and black leather jacket. "You guys look like the rejected Yeerk versions of the Grease stars!"

"We be a helping you V Three," Iniss said. "Giving you advice that only the T-Birds know, ya hear?"

"If you guys don't leave this minute I'm going to roast you, Mr. T-Bird!" I snarled.

"We're not doing anything!" Sargimf spoke up. "We all decided to get together and eat some good old fashioned tacos and burritos--well, they do. I'm getting a salad. It's mere coincidence that you and what's her name are here as well. What is her name? The name escapes me?"

"You know very well who it is," I told him. "You guys are spying on us aren't you?"

"Well actually they are," Rissa pointed out. "I'm just here for the nachos and to have a good time."

"That better not involve any nudity with Sameul here! I knew this was gonna happen!" I fumed. "How didn't I see this?"

"Like, relax Visser Three," Ellie coaxed. "We're just, like, here to watch your back, that's all. We've no, like, intention of interrupting your, like, little make out session."

"For the last time," I told her through gritted teeth. "It is not a make out session! We are just discussing matters of international business! Nothing else!"

"Hey, Visser," Iniss whispered. "Did you find out what bra size is Visser One's?"

"If she, like, wears one," Ellie snickered.

"What? NO! Like I'd ever try to know that! Yuck!" I snarled. "You four are so pathetic. You need some lives."

"Well we ain't the only ones," Rissa pointed. "Take a look behind you."

I looked around. I didn't see anything besides Visser One, the other Controllers, and a bunch of flies buzzing all over the place. I stared at everything and everyone and found nothing suspicious. I glanced back at Rissa. "What is it?"

Rissa leaned against Sargimf--a bit suggestively, I might add. "Samuel-san, honeykins, please tell our leader what you smelled with your amazingly acute beaky nose."

Sargimf grinned. "What's arrogant, blue, and stinky all over?"

"Andalites?" I asked. The Hork-Bajir and dragon girl both nodded, making static noises until I got the message. "The Andalite Bandits are here? Now? The one time I don't need to see any of them, and they're here. Why now?"

"Like, maybe it's because the two most, like, powerful Vissers stationed on Earth are here?" Ellie asked. She bit into a nacho. "Or they, like, have good taste in food."

I hurried back to my table without a response, panting and already demorphing as I slid next to Visser One. Stalk eyes busted out of my head and Visser One rolled her own eyes at me.

"So where's the napkins?" she asked.

"Fuck the damn napkins. We have a bit of a…" My lips sealed together before I could finish. I swear my host does this to me on purpose, stupid Andalite. (We have a bit of an insect problem. The Andalite Bandits are here and I say we get ready before them. Pull out that Dracon Beam I KNOW you have tucked in your boot and round up the others--)

"Those stupid little cretins have SUCH perfect timing," Visser One muttered. She whisked out her weapon and--

Tseew!

Both of us glanced at Ellie and Iniss splattered with food, and a Dracon Beam clutched in Sargimf's claws. He plucked up a piece of what had to be lint and said, "Take that, Andalite Bandit! Trying to harm my mate!"

Of course, that didn't ring well with the others here.

"Andalites? Where are they?"

"Tell the Councilors to cancel the meeting!"

"FIND THEM! FIND THEM!"

And from out of nowhere, an Andalite and tiger and grizzly bear, oh my!, along with a wolf and hawk and gorilla bounded into view. They practically wrecked the place within two minutes, with help by the fools who couldn't aim worth Taxxon crap leaving black holes in the walls and ceiling and floor and sometimes each other.

"Bring it on, mutha fuckas!" Rissa cried. "Cringe at my taco fury!"

(Ax, take out Visser Three while Rachel, you get Visser one,) Tiger-Boy snapped.

"Ah! Hide me!" Iniss shrieked, trying to crawl up some Hork-Bajir's leg.

(Take that, you parasites from Hell!) Smokey the Bear raged, heading towards Edriss, but unable to force her way through three Hork-Bajir.

"Like, die you losers!" Ellie bellowed, shooting off a--yep--PINK Dracon beam.

(They can take our enchiladas, but they can never take our FREEDOM!) Oh, wonderful, Curious George over there was a comedian.

(Is that Hork-Bajir wearing a suit?) the wolf asked.

Sargimf nodded, slashing out at the dive bombing chicken with rust tail feathers. "Yep, and I'm proud of it, babe!" Please tell me he wasn't hitting on the enemy…who was at this moment gnawing on his foot. "You like the taste of me, huh? Well, I'm taken, so take that!" He kicked the pouch across the room.

And despite this, guess which two were the worst of fighters?

"This is your fault, you know," Visser One snapped, dodging a flying Hork-Bajir body.

(Why me?) I cried, blocking the tail blade of the younger Andalite.

"They're your problem," she snarled. "You should've exterminated them months ago, or mad them into some decent hosts, you incompetent fool."

(Well, if a certain someone hadn't released them months before from incarceration on _our _ships, maybe we'd have them,) I muttered. FWAPP! FWAPP! (Wonder who that was?)

"Don't pin this on me!" she panted. "I at least do my job."

(By sucking up to the Council?) I asked.

"Four-eyed freak!"

(Flakie-stuffing slut!)

"Dumb-ass Andalite lover!"

(Horny dapsen!)

The gorilla scratched his head. (Uh, guys? Are we fighting them or are they fighting each other?)

Both of us turned to the black ape. ( "Stay out of it!" )

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Hours later, I was sitting in the underground Pool complex, scorch marks still crispy in my fur, as well as sweat and spilled salsa from the restaurant. I stared blankly at the stone wall, having just heard that I wouldn't be promoted to Visser Two--lucky enough to stay as Three--and that I may still have to morph the president later on. And to top it off, the Andalite Bandits had managed to survive.

How could things get worse?

Ellie twirled around in a salsa dress. "Like, look what I found at the restaurant, Visser Three! Isn't it, like, adorable with all the red and purple shades?"

"Coming through!" Iniss cried. He had a few plates full of tacos in his arms. "Anybody want leftovers?"

"All right! More fiesta food! Bring it on!" Rissa cried.

"You know, today was a lot of fun!" Sargimf said.

(Oh that's wonderful, Sargimf. I am so glad **you **had a good time!) I snapped sarcastically. (Thanks a lot you guys! You ruined everything! No promotion, Visser One has even more dirt on me for letting those freaks live, and we still have all this crappy Mexican food!)

"Oh Esplin lighten up!" Sargimf consoled.. "It wasn't that bad! I'm sure in due time everyone else will forget this little mishap, including Edriss!"

"Yeah Visser Three," Iniss happily threw his arm around my shoulder. "Even if she doesn't, you'll always have us! Esplin? Visser? Are you crying? Esplin!"

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There you go folks. A separate, by itself fic involving Sin's trilogy and my OC's in the usual insanity that reigns in our world.


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